Yay for sunshine!

Thur - Today’s been a good day. Got up and did PT this morning… that part wasn’t so exciting. 0500 comes WAY too early…. Really, I didn’t even do anything. I ran on the treadmill for 1 mile (…. in 11 minutes!), then lifted for like 20 …. haha, I was so lazy! But, then, I went back to bed. I hung out with Kelly for a few hours. It was nice. She’s a good friend. Had some interestiong conversation, though. But now… I’m very confused about myself. I always wonder things when people ask…  Anyway. It was a good day.

Today, I worked. It was a decent day. Slow, but, so tiring. I really hate the job with a passion! It’s scary and hard for me. I think mostly it’s I don’t understand… and I think it’s awkward. But I hate that I don’t understand it. I would be able to tolerate it more if I understood it… still wouldn’t like it, but, once I understand, it will be easier!

Slurpee Saturday!

How i miss the days of Slurpee Saturday… though I still think we did it on Fridays often… though I’m the only one who seems to remember such oddity. Ha, oh well. Good times anyway.

So, the rest of yesterday went pretty well. I hung out with Kelly for the day – till like 1430. It was good. I just needed to keep busy, keep my mind off of it.  and we did. I don’t know if she will realize how much I appreciated her her going and letting me tag along all day. I felt weird asking  someone else to go, who didn’t need to be in there; but I was scared to go alone, and I didn’t want to sit by myself afterwards. I still feel uncomfortable and violated. I didn’t shower until this afternoon.  I felt disgusting. But, I just wanted to keep my clothes on…I feel exposed. I showered and dressed quickly. I still feel a little weird and uncomfortable. But it will pass. I hope.  I’m just glad it’s done.

hate dr’s

So… today was pretty much horrible. I went the once – 5 / 6 years ago… I don’t remember it hurting like that…. I don’t remember it hurting really at all… very uncomfortable, but, not such pain.  Anyway, I’m sure the Dr. got the vibe from the beginning that I didn’t want to be there. I hate Dr.’s and I don’t like hospitals (good thing I’m in medical, right) I was very short and brief with my answers (in fact, I may have just shook my head) to the “have you had any abnormal pap results, do you do self breast exam, etc… ” questions. When she was listening to my heart/lungs, i had my knees pulled up to my chest with my arms around them. Then, when i layed back, I had my arms up covering my face, while she did everything else (breast exam [to which I greatly tensed up to]/spec exam). So, she put the spec in me… It hurt A LOT. and I backed up and screamed, so she pulled it out. But she wasn’t very nice to me. She asked me if I wanted her to try again, (at this point i’m already crying) I said no. The person I drug there with me (whose hands I was squeezing the life out of) asked if AD had to have them (believe me… I already knew the answer… otherwise, I wouldn’t be there). so I asked that if I said no, would I have to come back. I was told I would. So, then, I asked and was told that if I didn’t get it done (now or soon), it would go to the commander (… not getting necesary medical checks…i guess.). THis would then come down my entire chain of command for me to explain WHY i couldn’t put up with an exam (they didn’t say that…. that is just my interpretation). I don’t know. Anyhow. so, i’m kinda mad…. like really? What are you going to do, tell me I’m not taking health precautions by not going? Because clearly it’s better for me to have sex with bunch of people and be able to tolerate you sticking something in me to check for stds, then it is for me not to have ever had sex, and not tolerate something in me, and thus forgo being able to check for stds, and cervical cancer… which is mostly caused by stds anyway. She ended up doing it again, but said “i wasn’t able to get a very good sample. I hope it works.’ … am I supposed to say I’m sorry?!?
Anyhow, then, after everything’s done, she comes back in to talk to me, and says I saw you went in for pelvic pain when you were at keesler. Was that taken care of? I told her it was just from periods and they just gave me ibuprophen. Did it work? Not really, once i get nauseas, i can’t really take anything anyway. Well, would you like to talk to someone about it (really she asked me that like 3 times in this conversation)? well, it would be nice to not have cramps every month, So, it’s cramps? (I figured that was implied when i said it was from my period.) So, again, she asked if i wanted to talk to anyone (at some point she asked me if i wanted to talk to mental health the pelvic pain. It’s not pelvic pain!!! it’s cramps!!! do you usually suggest mental health to pts?!? I’m sorry…. you’re having knee problems… do you need to see mental health?), and I was like… well… can you just suggest something for me to take? So, she suggestd a low dose anti depressant. She ended up giving me Ultram, though. I kinda think she thinks I have been abused or something. I know I am way more reserved than the average person… but perhaps if you came in and talked to me about anything PRIOR to touching me, you would have learned this… I’d a told you anything if you asked… maybe not excitedly or in very many words, but, I would have given you a warning about me. It still hurts… I feel…. very stretched, and uncomfortable.

Sorry.

i care about you, and I care about being friends. but, I have lived too long and been through too much to simply say how was your 4 month vacation from saying anything to me? Look, I know you didn’t intentionally ignore me, or whatever, but the fact still remains that you simply haven’t talked to me in this long and then you come back and say that you dreamed I won’t talk to you? Then you want to justify yourself for not even trying. Not like you haven’t had my fucking address, or haddn’t been on FB since then or ANYTHING. you could have given me  two words. Just talk to me every  once and a while, and be my friend, ok. That’s all I ask.

I did my first week on nights. it was good. Slower than days, that’s for sure. I liked it.

Life is still rough. I always dreaded the whole “get up, go to work, come home, eat, chill for a few hours, go to bed, repeat” mundaneness of life. And now, I have found myself in that stage. I still struggle with my feelings  from day to day. The thing that I long for, that I wish I had, I will never be able to have, no one will be able to give me, and as I get older, I feel that I have less and less …. what’s the word…right? to feel deprived and depressed over.

Sigh!

Much has happened lately. The other week, I found out my grandfather’s last surviving sibling died. Granted, he was “old,” it hit my family pretty hard. Not really sure how it is affecting my mom, as she hasn’t really said anything to me about it. but, I know it is taking a toll on grandpa. To make matters worse, his (g’pa’s brother’s) grandson then commited suicide. … how does all this affect me? It doesn’t… with the exception of these people are family…. BLOOD, no matter how well I know them, or even OF them for that matter. It is affecting my family.

Days are still hard for me. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what my purpose is. I have so much to do in one day, that I often leave out the things that I NEED to do in order to keep myself moving and appear happy. I have so many struggles and burdens that are simply wearing on me right now. I need a break.

In contrast to my last post… The other day, I told some people about my dream of having kids that had been put up for adoption. The conversationed turned into my not wanting to have kids. well, then the statement of  “she doesn’t want to have kids, she just likes practicing.” And I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. I guess I lose either way, huh?

Ugh!

I’m tired of being the young, naieve, innovent one in every situation. I wouldn’t change it. But, I hate that people assume they know things about me. People who don’t even know me.  I’m not even that young… or at least not in comparison to some of the people I am told “well, she’s a lot younger.” about.  Yes… I am… a whopping 2 years! I know people don’t mean always mean anything by it. Today, the guy was actually being really sinscere. But how do you know… is it a good thing that people think I am… like, do I come across as conservative… or do I come across as naieve and dumb? You don’t know what kind of experiences I’ve had in my life.. What I’ve done, where I’ve been….

You ever wish…

You ever have a secret you wish you could tell someone, but in reality, you don’t even know what it is yourself? It’s there. there’s something different, and you know but, even if you knew… who would you tell?

Life here has been going decently. I went out with a couple people last night. Ate dinner, and watched a movie – sorta. We ate dinner, then went to the movies. but, we realized the wrong movie was playing…the person who picked the movie had mixed up the days. and so it ended up being New Moon, when we wanted to see Planet 51. Oh well. I stayed, they had already seen it, so they went to go rent a movie to watch. I  was invited to go, but, I figured i was pushing the fraternization issue enough being at the movies/dinner with them that going to their house probably wasn’t the best idea. 1 officer + 1 enlistee + 1 civilian all from the same chain of command hanging out can mean lots of trouble.

I had a crazy dream last night. I had 3 kids.  A boy, and twin girls. They had all been put up for adoption, and I was trying to find them. But, it was sudden realization that I had kids, and they were adopted. I don’t know what triggered my memory for this, but, something did. Iended up finding the girls, i don’t think i ever found  the boy, though. It was really weird.

I just got Chronicles of Narnia in Spanish off ebay. Pretty stoked.

food

I really don’t understand why i eat so much. It is not that i’m hungry… but, more that I just… eat. I was planning on going out to eat with a couple friends the other day, but since i hate spending money, and i can eat free in the caf, i decided to eat before i left. I ate chicken and potatoes.  then, we went to eat… and i had steak and fries and bread. Then, i came back, went to Cafe D … and I saw pizza. So, I ate some. I got to quit eating so much.

2010

Two days into the new year, and I’m already frustrated beyond belief.
I don’t know where my mail is going. The fucking post office just says “check with the KS post office.” done that, thanks. “well, you could try to send in a change of address form.’ well, now why would I do that considering I got a letter in the mail saying it IS change, and I have already contacted the post office, and they said it is getting forwarded. “well, you need to talk to your previous post office.” seriously? did I not just tell you 4 times that I HAVE DONE THAT AND IT IS BEING FORWARDED!!! which means my mail is somewhere between here and there!!! If you don’t know anything about this why don’t you just say so. Quit give stupid advice becasue you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!

I have some citrus thing splattered all over my window, i assume from who ever also splattered tomatoe all over the dorms. I don’t understand why people have the need to blare their music so that the entire world can hear, as if it gives them coolness points or something. I hate the dorms

my compter dvd player won’t work… and all i want to do is watch a movie right now.  

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH